I haven’t seen or spoken to my birth mother since I was thirteen years old. I am very close to my grandparents and she is close to them as well but we still have not spoken and we have actually avoided each other. I know it kills my grandmother that we do not speak or have a relationship and I feel so bad that she is stuck in the middle. On one side is her daughter and on the other is her grandson.
Recently my birth mother friended me on Facebook and I nearly passed out but even though I was very hesitant I accepted her friendship. Now to tell you my birth mother was never really a mother and failed me in every single way possible is a complete understatement. I have been through more shit in my life because of her that it would take me days to explain but even though she treated me like a total piece of shit when I was a kid I decided maybe I would try to put my anger and bitterness aside and see where this Facebook friendship would take us. Now the bitter me figured she friended me as a way to see pictures of me, Melinda and our kids because that would be the only way she would see pictures of us other than seeing pictures at my grandmother’s house but like I said I was sort of willing to see where this went.
Deep down in a crazy sick way I was really hoping this would work and we could fix our relationship and try to move forward but like always she fucked me over and dumped me again just like she did when I was a kid. When I was thirteen my mother got locked up for a few years and you would think as a mother she would make sure that I had a stable place to live right? Nope, she left me with her abusive asshole boyfriend and I was left to find my own place to live since my father left when I was too young to remember. Thankfully I used to always hang with a few kids across the street from where we lived and when they found out how I was living they took me in as a foster child and saved my life and I will always be thankful for them and for saving me that day.
Ok, so back to my point. My birth mother and I have been friends on Facebook for maybe two weeks and we have sort of been sending private messages back and fourth to see where this was going to go and today I got the great news. She told me “I gave it a lot of thought and I really think you and I are not ready to begin a relationship and I REALLY think it will never work. I Do love you and I Do think about you. I want you to go on without me , like I said you have a nice family and friends so please don’t make it any harder than it is. And please defriend me on FB. I love you always and I will keep you in my heart.” This message came just 3 hours after she sent me a message saying that she wanted to have a relationship with me. To me this is total Bullshit and she is being completely selfish considering I have done nothing wrong to her. She is the one who wasn’t a mother to me and abused me mentally so I am not sure why she is so bitter. To be honest I don’t think she ever really wanted me or to be a mother because people who want children don’t do the things that she has done to me.
Reading her messages telling me that she didn’t want to have a relationship with me instantly made me cry like a baby and I am not sure why because before she friended me on Facebook I HATED her for everything she did to me and never really had any intentions of ever speaking to her. I let my guard down a little and this is what happened. I got my heart broken again and I have the same sick to my stomach feeling that I had when I was thirteen years old.
I guess a mother/son relation was and will never be but I am so thankfully that I have Melinda and the kids who love me because that is what I need in life. Someone who is going to love me for me.