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You’re Not Fooling Anyone

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I think we all know a man like this. He’s an older man who still believes that he is cool with the kids. Maybe he wears cargo shorts with a braided belt and sandals in the summer time. He might enjoy a hobby like bird watching or collecting novelty ties. Men like this are everywhere. He could be your teacher, your coach, your neighbor, maybe even your dad. Even though each of these traits is a little embarrassing on their own, they all pale in comparison to what lies on the top of this man’s head. Whether it is a ponytail, a patch of bald scalp that covers the entire center of the head, or even the dreaded Comb-Over, this man refuses to relinquish his outdated and offensive choice of hairstyle. He clings to it in the hopes of concealing the fact that he is getting older. They put so much time and effort into making their hair look perfectly terrible when in reality all of their problems could be solved with a set of clippers. There comes a time in every man’s life when he needs to just give up and shave.

bad comb overWho was the first man who thought that the ponytail was a good choice for hiding baldness? These men are so desperate to preserve their youth that they will grow their remaining hair incredibly long just so that they can pull it back and conceal the patches of shiny scalp on the back of their head. We all know it’s there. They aren’t actually hiding anything. They’re actually drawing more attention to the fact that they’re losing your hair. I don’t know a single man with a ponytail who isn’t balding. They also seem to think that the ponytail will draw away from the fact that their hairline is receding when in all truth it makes their bright and shiny forehead look twice its normal size. Basically, it makes you look like some kind of alien. It would be in their best interest and everyone else’s best interest if they just shaved their hair.

The same goes for guys who are trying to rock the Comb-Over. The Comb-Over is when you realize you are losing your hair in an expanding spot on the top, front or back of your head and you decide that the best course of action is to push the thin, long and wispy hairs on either side of your bald patch over the scalp in an attempt to hide it from view. How can they not realize that we still see they’re bald? A Comb-Over doesn’t hide anything. The hair on their head isn’t long or thick enough to cover that glistening dome. Just shave it. Men with shaved and bald heads are way manlier than men who refuse to accept the chunks of scalp that are slowly emerging and try to cover up by over-styling their remaining tufts of hair. It’s never just a simple bald patch with these men. They actually work to conceal their cranial dysfunction. They tease out the sides of their hair to make it look like they have more hair than they really do. All that does is create a wreath-like effect which gives them massive ears and oddly narrow heads. Some men oil down their hair. They slick it back to better hide their bald spots, putting emphasis on their receding hair line. There are guys who can’t make the commitment of a full shave so they get a Caesar instead. That’s when you cut your hair very short and slowly begin pushing your hairline further up your head as more of your hair vanishes. All of these looks are horrible and all of these poor men just need to realize what a horrible mistake they are making.

This is what I ask; when you see the man in your life with this horrible hairdo, start leaving him little messages of encouragement to shave his head. Maybe you should talk about your favorite bald actors. Mention how manly and tough and cool Jason Statham, Vin Diesel and Bruce Willis are. Talk about their awesome haircuts; how their shiny heads make them even more awesome as action heroes. What about the oh-so-manly-and-tough Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson? He beats up other men for a living; how manly is that? Maybe one day these men will realize that bald can be beautiful. Then we can live in the incredible world of fantastic contrast, where men are either gloriously trussed or heroically bald. That’s a world that I want to see.

Just Give Up and Shave It
A Plea to the Masses
Sabreena Babiak
Author Note
This paper was prepared for Men’s Health Magazine as a plea to all men who continue to sport their horrendous haircuts in a desperate attempt at looking cool.

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About Sabreena

Sabreena is the 18 year old daughter of Rob and Melinda, owners of LookWhatMomFound...and Dad too! Today's teens have opinions about more than just shoes and music. Sabreena is sharing her opinions about the world around her through this blog. Her posts can be found here, http://lookwhatmomfound.com/category/everyday-life/from-the-teen.

Comments

  1. These guys just need to be like my husband. Shave your head and grow a MASSIVE beard. ;)

    Great job, Sabreena!

  2. I am SO in agreement! I knew early on hubby was thinning so I had him grow a goatee early on. (He also has no top lip so needed one! When he started to stress about his hair, I told him that bald with a goatee is cool. Then a friend cut his down to army length, and I advised him to follow suit. He DID, I’m so proud of his choice! It’s much better looking than any thing long, blech. Now if only you could write a post about how I can save his wardrobe?? :)

  3. Nichole says:

    Mine is still sporting the ponytail despite noticeable thinning. Problem is he had the ponytail before the thinning started! I used to suggest rogaine or something but he once said he would shave it once he started going bald but yeah.. I think he’s still in denial and I gave up caring. That’s okay, I guess, I’m still in denial that gray hairs have start popping up all over my head this year.

  4. Love this and TOTALLY agree! My guy has a full head of thick hair that I have to clean up everywhere, so there is a downside to that as well, but if he was thinning, I would be leaving the little love notes to shave it! I am with Kelly, shave it and grow a big old beard!

  5. I could not possibly agree with you more! There was a guy where I used to work that had a horrible comb-over – I remember getting a good laugh once when he was walking to his car and a gust of wind lifted it in all it’s comb-over glory (and completely intact since he apparently used hairspray) so it was flapping like a lid hovering above his head. Just shave already! :)

  6. HAHAHAHA! Sounds like my father in law

  7. I agree. I actually agree so much that I gave up dying my hair and I’m going grey.

  8. Yes! My dad sported the comb over for years. It was sad and we were always asking him to just shave it. I mean it is not like he was fooling anyone, like you said. Finally he did and it just looks so much better. At 67 he is still shaving his head.

  9. Yes! I completely agree. Too bad more people don’t just cut it off. It looks SO much better.

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