I think we all know a man like this. He’s an older man who still believes that he is cool with the kids. Maybe he wears cargo shorts with a braided belt and sandals in the summer time. He might enjoy a hobby like bird watching or collecting novelty ties. Men like this are everywhere. He could be your teacher, your coach, your neighbor, maybe even your dad. Even though each of these traits is a little embarrassing on their own, they all pale in comparison to what lies on the top of this man’s head. Whether it is a ponytail, a patch of bald scalp that covers the entire center of the head, or even the dreaded Comb-Over, this man refuses to relinquish his outdated and offensive choice of hairstyle. He clings to it in the hopes of concealing the fact that he is getting older. They put so much time and effort into making their hair look perfectly terrible when in reality all of their problems could be solved with a set of clippers. There comes a time in every man’s life when he needs to just give up and shave.
Who was the first man who thought that the ponytail was a good choice for hiding baldness? These men are so desperate to preserve their youth that they will grow their remaining hair incredibly long just so that they can pull it back and conceal the patches of shiny scalp on the back of their head. We all know it’s there. They aren’t actually hiding anything. They’re actually drawing more attention to the fact that they’re losing your hair. I don’t know a single man with a ponytail who isn’t balding. They also seem to think that the ponytail will draw away from the fact that their hairline is receding when in all truth it makes their bright and shiny forehead look twice its normal size. Basically, it makes you look like some kind of alien. It would be in their best interest and everyone else’s best interest if they just shaved their hair.
The same goes for guys who are trying to rock the Comb-Over. The Comb-Over is when you realize you are losing your hair in an expanding spot on the top, front or back of your head and you decide that the best course of action is to push the thin, long and wispy hairs on either side of your bald patch over the scalp in an attempt to hide it from view. How can they not realize that we still see they’re bald? A Comb-Over doesn’t hide anything. The hair on their head isn’t long or thick enough to cover that glistening dome. Just shave it. Men with shaved and bald heads are way manlier than men who refuse to accept the chunks of scalp that are slowly emerging and try to cover up by over-styling their remaining tufts of hair. It’s never just a simple bald patch with these men. They actually work to conceal their cranial dysfunction. They tease out the sides of their hair to make it look like they have more hair than they really do. All that does is create a wreath-like effect which gives them massive ears and oddly narrow heads. Some men oil down their hair. They slick it back to better hide their bald spots, putting emphasis on their receding hair line. There are guys who can’t make the commitment of a full shave so they get a Caesar instead. That’s when you cut your hair very short and slowly begin pushing your hairline further up your head as more of your hair vanishes. All of these looks are horrible and all of these poor men just need to realize what a horrible mistake they are making.
This is what I ask; when you see the man in your life with this horrible hairdo, start leaving him little messages of encouragement to shave his head. Maybe you should talk about your favorite bald actors. Mention how manly and tough and cool Jason Statham, Vin Diesel and Bruce Willis are. Talk about their awesome haircuts; how their shiny heads make them even more awesome as action heroes. What about the oh-so-manly-and-tough Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson? He beats up other men for a living; how manly is that? Maybe one day these men will realize that bald can be beautiful. Then we can live in the incredible world of fantastic contrast, where men are either gloriously trussed or heroically bald. That’s a world that I want to see.
Just Give Up and Shave It
A Plea to the Masses
This paper was prepared for Men’s Health Magazine as a plea to all men who continue to sport their horrendous haircuts in a desperate attempt at looking cool.