As an adoptive mom to two beautiful children I often get statements like: “Why couldn’t you have your own kids”? Did you try for a long time to have your own kids, or ‘Well at least you tried to have your own kids but Marco & Dulce are so lucky to have you”
In the adoption community there are often discussions on if adoption is second best.
There are couples who marry and want to have children that they created. They will try everything to achieve this. This is totally normal. Adoption for them is only “maybe” considered after all routes to a biological child have been exhausted.
There a families who have boys, and want a daughter and to ensure this they will adopt, usually with a country that offers gender selection.
There are single women, who would love to marry and have children with a husband, but it just never happened. Maybe they are older, and unable to conceive naturally.
Then there are those who are single, married or otherwise who chose adoption as their first choice to build a family because they didn’t want to be pregnant for their own personal reasons, or just knew adoption was right for them
For us, adoption was second choice. If I could have given birth to a child I’d always dreamed of, I would have. It would have been quicker, easier and cheaper. Now, having said that, my children are not second best. Not even remotely. Anyone who has ever met me knows that I could not adore my children any more than I do. And now, I cannot imagine not having these two children in our lives. They are my children, just brought to me in a different way.
How many of us have heard someone say, “I could never love a child that was not my own”? I’ve also heard the statement “how do you know what your getting” which is particularly disturbing to me. I know many people in the adoption community whose families are not supportive at all on their decisions to adopt.
There’s nothing wrong with the adoption process being second choice. It’s society’s bias, or should I use the word ignorance, that the bond between a family formed through adoption isn’t as strong as that of one with biological ties that makes adoption second best, or inferior.
So yes, I believe lots of people think adoption is second best and I guess in a way it is, the process I mean. In a perfect world all children would be raised by the parents who created them, but the world will never be perfect. And even if the process is second best, the child is not, and that’s the big difference and something I pray my children will understand especially as they are getting older and asking questions and will be one day hearing statements or asked questions by the outside world.
my BFF
This reflection was written by Stacy Falone, my best friend for the last 25 years. Marco is an energetic, dramatic, wildly entertaining 5 year old. Dulce is a sweet 4 year old that loves princesses and pink. I walked through the adoption journey with Stacy and her husband for each child and I know that there is no mistaking the love that I see in their family.
