I haven’t seen or spoken to my birth mother since I was thirteen years old. I am very close to my grandparents and she is close to them as well but we still have not spoken and we have actually avoided each other. I know it kills my grandmother that we do not speak or have a relationship and I feel so bad that she is stuck in the middle. On one side is her daughter and on the other is her grandson.
Recently my birth mother friended me on Facebook and I nearly passed out but even though I was very hesitant I accepted her friendship. Now to tell you my birth mother was never really a mother and failed me in every single way possible is a complete understatement. I have been through more shit in my life because of her that it would take me days to explain but even though she treated me like a total piece of shit when I was a kid I decided maybe I would try to put my anger and bitterness aside and see where this Facebook friendship would take us. Now the bitter me figured she friended me as a way to see pictures of me, Melinda and our kids because that would be the only way she would see pictures of us other than seeing pictures at my grandmother’s house but like I said I was sort of willing to see where this went.
Deep down in a crazy sick way I was really hoping this would work and we could fix our relationship and try to move forward but like always she fucked me over and dumped me again just like she did when I was a kid. When I was thirteen my mother got locked up for a few years and you would think as a mother she would make sure that I had a stable place to live right? Nope, she left me with her abusive asshole boyfriend and I was left to find my own place to live since my father left when I was too young to remember. Thankfully I used to always hang with a few kids across the street from where we lived and when they found out how I was living they took me in as a foster child and saved my life and I will always be thankful for them and for saving me that day.
Ok, so back to my point. My birth mother and I have been friends on Facebook for maybe two weeks and we have sort of been sending private messages back and fourth to see where this was going to go and today I got the great news. She told me “I gave it a lot of thought and I really think you and I are not ready to begin a relationship and I REALLY think it will never work. I Do love you and I Do think about you. I want you to go on without me , like I said you have a nice family and friends so please don’t make it any harder than it is. And please defriend me on FB. I love you always and I will keep you in my heart.” This message came just 3 hours after she sent me a message saying that she wanted to have a relationship with me. To me this is total Bullshit and she is being completely selfish considering I have done nothing wrong to her. She is the one who wasn’t a mother to me and abused me mentally so I am not sure why she is so bitter. To be honest I don’t think she ever really wanted me or to be a mother because people who want children don’t do the things that she has done to me.
Reading her messages telling me that she didn’t want to have a relationship with me instantly made me cry like a baby and I am not sure why because before she friended me on Facebook I HATED her for everything she did to me and never really had any intentions of ever speaking to her. I let my guard down a little and this is what happened. I got my heart broken again and I have the same sick to my stomach feeling that I had when I was thirteen years old.
I guess a mother/son relation was and will never be but I am so thankfully that I have Melinda and the kids who love me because that is what I need in life. Someone who is going to love me for me.
Reading this literally broke my heart. As a mother to four boys, I could not imagine leaving any of them or not trying my best everyday to make sure they know I love them above all else. I was a young mom at 18, had an abusive drug addicted husband, but I never thought of leaving my kids, abusing them or not doing everything I could to make their lives better. Your birth mom should be ashamed of herself and her actions. She is right about one thing though, you are 100% better off without her and have a beautiful family that loves you.
There isn’t , really, anythng I can say, Rob, that could do anything to make this better. Just know that I am here crying for you and angry for you and your family — people I have never met.
My mother grew up in much the same way as you and had to make the choice to completely cut her mother out of her life. Whle I don’t know everything you are going throgh, I have watched her for 33 years and I know what it has done to her. Abandonment, neglect and full-on cruelty aren’t easily brushed away, no matter how old you are.
I am so sorry it happened again, Rob. So very sorry.
Rob, I am SO sorry that your mother put you through all of this and THEN brought it all back up again. I know how badly that hurts to have a family member that you see a glimmer of hope with and then it’s just dashed to bits. Just remember that Melinda and the kids are your family now and THEY love you UNCONDITIONALLY.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I was estranged from my father from the time I was 15 until 23, then we reunited for 3 months before everything went haywire again, and we never spoke again after that. I’m 34 now. Last month, he died suddenly. All the emotions I thought I’d already dealt with over the years came exploding to the surface all over again, like a volcano erupting. I’ve suspected over the years from things I’ve heard that he was mentally ill, and it sounds like maybe that’s the case with your mother, too. Not that it’s an excuse to abandon your child over & over again, but maybe thinking of her in terms of someone who is mentally ill will give you some peace? Regardless, I do hope you find some peace. It is such a painful thing to be abandoned by a parent.
Oh Rob I am so sorry. My mom left us when I was 12, very difficult. Luckily, she had a change a heart years ago. I know we all want relationships with our parents, but you have to remember YOU Tried. You’re right, you have your family who loves you. Big hugs to you.
I am so sorry Rob. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. It is amazing how wonderful of a dad/husband you are. I wish your mom would like to be apart of that.
That is just horrible! You’re right though, you have an absolutely amazing wife who loves you and a beautiful family, take that and be happy. You deserved so much more as a kid (and now) but I would let your mother go…she doesn’t deserve YOU! Now go have a wonderful day!
I am so sorry Rob. I think deep down the kid in us wants to have a relationship with our mom/dad. I don’t have any relationship with my father… and sometimes the little girl inside of me wishes that she did. Because as you know Boys are Mama’s boys… and Daughter’s are Daddy’s Little Girl. I never got to be Daddy’s little girl.
So I understand where you are coming from. I’m weeping for you and how you had to go grow up. These damn pregnancy hormones making me cry all over the place. *hug*
I’m so sorry. My son’s biological father used to pop in every few years, make promises to be a part of his life, and then disappear. It broke his heart every time until I put a stop to it and wouldn’t allow him the chance anymore. I dread the day that it happens again now that my son is an adult and I can’t do anything to stop it. Just remember you became a great man without her, and you do have Melinda and the kids to support you.
I’m sorry, Rob. As an adult it is really hard to accept when you don’t have the typical family relationships that other people enjoy. I know from experience. When I became a parent, it made the missing pieces in my own family life all the more glaring. I hadn’t realized how much I hadn’t dealt with the hurt from my childhood until I started to give my own child a much better one. On the plus side, at least she was honest. I know it hurt you deeply, but I hope you can eventually come to accept that you will never have a mother, and move on for your good and for your own family’s good. It will never be okay, but sometimes there is just nothing we can do. My dad is 57, and he is still trying to win his sadistic, emotionally abusive mother’s love and approval at his own family’s detriment. It’s really sad.
Seriously? I can understand why you feel the way you do. I hope writing this post helps relieve some of your loss and frustration.
I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this. It sounds like she is pretty unstable. Unfortunately as much as you hate everything she’s done (or hasn’t done) for you, deep down you’ll probably always ache for that bond. I can only hope that you can come to terms with it the best you can and attempt to not let it affect your every day life.
My husband’s mother told people she never wanted a boy when he was born and has overly favored her daughter for 35 years. He still longs to have a good relationship with his parents and it breaks my heart and makes me so angry.
My step-son’s mother left when he was 8 months old. She saw him a few times when he was 7 and a couple phone calls when he was 11, nothing since then. He has long battled fear of abandonment.
My biological father has never met my husband or Jake, we’ve been together 10 years. He hasn’t spoken to me in that long. He lives only two hours away. His excuse? He doesn’t call people.
I understand the pain of a parent not wanting a relationship, but try as hard as I can, I don’t understand it from their perspective. The only conclusion I can find is that some people just don’t have that bond. Hold tight to your wife and family, let it make you and yours stronger.
Some people are just too damn selfish to be parents. Thank goodness you have other wonderful people in your life, and you have the strength to be a good parent, even though you didn’t get that for yourself.
This post really made me sad. I had a really bad relationship with my father growing up due to his drinking. My mother even left him over it. Luckily he got sober when I was pregnant with Johnny and now we are closer then ever.
From reading this I really wonder if your mom has some mental/emotional issues. She likely needs some help (professionally speaking).
Regardless you have a wonderful family and you are a wonderful dad and while your mom may have left you feeling broken know that it doesn’t reflect on who YOU are but on who SHE is. Hugs!
Rob, I’m so sorry. This is so awful. I know how you feel in some ways. I have absolutely no relationship with my biological father. We have learned in some ways to take care of ourselves. But we are so lucky we have wonderful spouses to support us. Huge hugs!!
I’m so sorry you’re going through all the anger, frustration, heartache, and bewilderment again. I had absolutely no idea.
And you know why? Because you’re an absolutely amazing and devoted father. Sometimes, the level of maltreatment one experiences as a child can lead to reactive and mimicked behavior. Instead, I think you recognized who you [i]didn’t [/i]want to become as a parent, and your children are blessed for that.
Keep on keepin’ on and treasure those who treasure you. Lord knows there’s plenty of love and happiness in the home you and Melinda have made. Just wrap your arms around them tight and demonstrate what a true loving parent is all about. In the end, you’ll create the kind of reactive and mimicked behavior that a parent can be proud of. The kind every child deserves.
Carry that with you.
Oh my gosh, I don’t even know what to say. What a horrible, horrible person your birth mother is. 🙁
You deserve so much better than that. I am so sorry that this happened.
Rob, I am so so sorry …. 🙁 Reading your post makes me so sad.
My mother drives me crazy – but she has never treated me like that. With that said, I feel like you should BLOCK her from your facebook, delete the messages and move on. (I know that that is easier said than done.)
I can’t imagine being in your shoes.
Love Melinda and the kids stronger and harder because of your past.
You totally deserve better then that, but sadly some people are just too selfish to have children. I think you found a great women to be by your side and it looks like you are not becoming your mom – with your children, so more power to ya!
Oh Rob, I am in tears reading this. You are a great guy and she should consider herself lucky to have a son like you. You have a beautiful family that loves you and I think that is what you should focus on. She doesn’t deserve another tear or another second of your time. (((hugs)))
So sorry that you had to go through that pain all over again. I cannot even imagine how you must feel. 🙁
I agree with what others have said. You have tried and you cannot change her. She simply does not know what she is missing in not getting to know you and your family. As harsh as it sounds, you are probably better off without her until she grows up.
It’s a shame how horrible some people can be/are. I’m glad she gave you life but sorry she did her best to ruin it. Thank goodness you have a wonderful family now and can give your kids the love and care you only wished to have had when young. Though it hurt, kudos to you for hoping the best and being a good son 🙂
Rob, I am SO sorry. I just want to scream HOW DARE SHE!! I don’t know the hurt of having my mother leave me, but my husband does…and it hurts me to watch HIM hurt. As a mother, I just cannot wrap myself around ever not being apart of my child’s life. I am so sorry for your hurt.
I believe in extending mercy to those who hurt us, and you definitely did with your mom. It’s unfortunate that she has wasted this opportunity to restore a relationship with you. I am so glad you have a loving family of your own to help you through this. I hope you can understand that SHE has some very deep issues that have nothing to do with you. It’s not that you aren’t “enough”, she just doesn’t have her priorities straight. Her loss, for sure.
Thinking of you and your sweet family. I hope you will cling to them and I hope you know you have a heavenly Father that will never leave you or forsake you.
She sounds mentally unstable…I wonder if she is manic depressive or has a drug problem, because that is a total about face in a short time. Because you have children, it’s best YOU keep HER away if she ever contacts you again (and honestly, we all have two chances for a great parent child relationship in life…the first one didn’t work out for you, but you can be the good parent to your children in your second chance at a wonderful parent/child relationship- and I think you are 🙂 )…maybe you remind your mom of what she isn’t, because you are a good parent, a good person, and have a beautiful family, and sometimes the truth just hurts.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you realize that you didn’t do anything wrong. This is one of the reasons you were probably better off living with another family. It sounds like she makes bad decisions and this is just one of them.. Hope you recover soon.
Hey Kid, Remember no matter what happens I’m still your Mom and I love you !!!!!!!!
I am so sorry. 🙁
I am so sorry that you were disappointed yet again, in your ‘mom” 🙁 I have no words, but just wanted to offer some hugs.
I’m so sorry! Thankfully you have your wife and kids and that is a lot 🙂
I am so sorry. You are a great person and a great father, and you don’t need that negativity in your life. I am sorry she messed with your emotions and led you to believe there was something there wasn’t.
Rob, I am not sure how it would feel to have your mother completely negect a child and turn their back on you…but when you said she was locked up? I have to think she had/has some genuine issues that will not allow her to “come back” to reality. You have to stop blaming yourself in ANY way, because this is HER issue, not yours. I had a dad who was vacant due to alcoholism, and it’s hard for a kid to see that someTHING can make a person appear to hate you, abandon you, and not even care. Without getting in their heads, we have no way of knowing why people behave like they do. Not excusing her because there IS no excuse. Every child who goes through this, albeit in different situations, feels a loss of their childhood, feels anger and bitterness for what someone else took from you…feels shame and loss and sadness. Feels like that little boy or girl again when something brings you back to the point where you were hurt or alone or scared. The thing that happened to you was an incredible miracle Rob. You had some angels looking out for you in the form of a family who could help you into manhood. In the form of maybe a teacher or two who encouraged you to find a way to some sort of education and then a career/job that you can be proud of. (and this day and age it is a lucky person who even has a job so that is in itself a victory). And your very best angel found you the woman who can hold you up when you are down or go through another kickdown, and you can do the same when she falls. For all the things that have come together for your family, though imperfect like any family at times, you have found an incredible treasure. So many people will never find. It is a wonder of all wonders you learned how to love, but you did. That is a miracle! So don’t let this woman who seems to have been only a small part of the good parts of your life bring you down. Don’t ALLOW you to bring that anger and bitterness back in to stain the miracles in your life. Try to talk to someone who cares…someone who knows. You already have it right to let some of it out…so many men keep it in and turn to the bottle or other self medicating. I know how much it hurts…really I do. So many kids do…whether at 4 or 10 or 25 or 45…it all hurts and may never heal. Don’t try to fix something that is broken in too many pieces or kick yourself because you can’t . It’ s not your fault. It is NOT your fault. Period. You are a good man and should be proud of that. That is all that matters…
I’m so sorry to hear about your pain. I think people, in general, tend to try to have a relationship with their parents regardless of how they treat us or have done us in the past. It’s our nature to want to have that nurturing relationship with the people that birthed you.
I’m glad to hear you have a good support system with Melinda and the kids.
She doesn’t deserve what you have to offer.
I can’t even imagine what would cause a mother to do this but to turn into the man that you have despite her not being there is a sign of strength.
Focus on what you do have, which is a lot!
This absolutely broke my heart because I do have a daughter whose biological mother wants nothing to do with her off and on.
I am so sorry that you or any human being would have to endure that and I can only say that it sounds like you have a wonderful family and support system at home and that you are blessed in that sense.
I am so sorry. This breaks my heart because I know the exact pain you are going through. With me, it was my dad. My story is different in some ways than yours but my dad never really should have been a parent. He comes back in my life every once in awhile to get to know each other and then ends up leaving again. It hurts but focus on all the people that care about you and love you. Think about all the people that took you in when they didn’t have to. That what gets me through it.
I can only assume she has some sort of mental illness. It’s the only way i can rationalize any mother ever feeling or behaving this way.
I’m so sorry for you but from this I would guess you’re better off without a relationship with her!
Wow. This is heavy stuff. She has some serious problems. My Mom left when I was 3 and she died when I was 19. I never got a chance to meet her. At least I’m able to fill the blanks in with positives. This would be much harder and I’m sorry you have to go through this life-long rollercoaster. 🙁
(((HUGS)))
Rob, From one abandoned child to another – sometimes you just have to accept things. Some people will just be unhappy no matter what. I’m sorry that you went through this though – it really is sad. Mothers are not meant to be like this.
You’re probably better off but I know you yearn for that relationship.
Hugs to you.
I’m so sorry that these things happened to you.
My own brother is a victim of this (his birth father abandoned him and started a new family) and it played a huge roll in his life – or actually lack of life. He is a drug addict and alcoholic who has abandoned his own children.
Rob, I am only getting to know you, Melinda and your family – but literally just this morning I was telling someone how delightful all of you are. I told this friend that I was just so impressed by the dynamic of your family and how down to earth and well-mannered your children are. You’ve got so much to be proud of.
I know that nothing will ever replace the loss you feel in not being loved by a parent. but i hope you can find some solace in knowing that you are a fantastic father. despite all the odds you rose above and you should sleep well at night knowing that your children will never say these words about you.
Rob, I am very sorry.
Your post resonated with me. I can feel the pain in your words and just can not imagine how a parent can do something like that to their child. Nobody deserves to feel such pain.
My mother and I parted ways in 1996. In 2004, I was in the Ronald McDonald House in North Carolina (I live in Michigan). I’d just been told my daughter was going to die. My mother called – crying because she’d heard the news and asking if I’d let her come back in our lives. After thinking about it, I allowed it (mostly for my daughter’s benefit – if there was ever a time she could use a Grandma to spoil her).
My mother’s involvement in our lives lasted 42 days until my daughter passed away. Then she was gone, too. I think she is just a drama queen who couldn’t fathom being on the outside for such “good” drama (in her mind – certainly not mine).
What’s different between you and I is I did not cry. The image of you crying and being said is such a shame….I’d bitch slap your mother if I knew her.
Wow! I was randomly browsing through old posts and this one just broke my heart. I can relate to you my dad left me when I was 3 and he appeared back in my life 4 years ago I can honestly say it isn’t much of a relationship because I only hear from him maybe once in 6 months. My mom always cared about her boyfriends growing up they abused me and she stuck by them. She use to leave the country at 6 months at a time and leave me behind so while she was gone i moved out i was only 16, best decision I ever made. She’s been sending me emails with pictures of herself lately and it just brings back all the anger I have towards her, I can’t find it in my heart to forgive her because my whole life has been a repeating cycle of hurt from her. I’ve leavened that I have me my kids and my other half and they will always be my constant in my life.