Divorce doesn’t have to be a toxic battlefield. Despite what everyone around you might say, not every split has to be filled with screaming matches, courtroom drama, and emotional destruction.
In fact, with the right mindset, your divorce can be civil and cooperative.
You may not have chosen this chapter, but you can influence how it unfolds. Whether you’re initiating the divorce or responding to one, here are six ways to make the process smoother for everyone involved.
Lead with Respect, Not Revenge
It’s tempting to go on the attack, especially if you feel hurt, betrayed, or blindsided. But lashing out can cost you dearly in the long run. The more combative your divorce becomes, the more time, money, and emotional energy it will drain from your life.
If you want a clean break, start with mutual respect. This doesn’t mean you have to be best friends or agree on everything. It just means treating your ex like a human being, not an enemy. Speak calmly and do your best to listen without interrupting. When you take the high road, it changes how you and your partner interact throughout the rest of the process.
Prioritize Your Kids Above All Else
No matter what’s happening between you and your spouse, your children should never be caught in the middle. That means no guilt trips, no trash-talking the other parent, and no using them as leverage. Your kids aren’t your messengers or emotional support helpers – they’re your kids.
Create a co-parenting plan that prioritizes their stability, routines, and emotional safety. Be flexible where you can and do your best to make decisions that serve their best interests, not your ego. When disagreements arise (because they will), remember that your child’s long-term well-being matters more than winning a petty argument.
Work Together on Dividing Assets
Money can turn even the most civil split into a toxic one. But it doesn’t have to. The keys are transparency and cooperation. Trying to hide assets or punish your ex financially only creates more conflict (and often backfires).
Instead, approach property division like a business negotiation. Get everything on the table: homes, bank accounts, retirement funds, debts, cars, and even that vintage vinyl collection you both claimed at some point. Then, work with your attorneys or mediator to find a fair, balanced distribution.
As attorney Kyle Whitaker explains, “Community property – including assets and debts – need to be distributed fairly and justly between the spouses, which does not require a 50/50 split. How you divide property should take all of your circumstances into consideration, and you want to ensure you receive your fair share.”
Fair doesn’t always mean equal, but it should always be thoughtful, practical, and honest. When you handle finances like grown-ups, you leave less room for bitterness and resentment.
Consider Mediation Over Litigation
Going to court might sound like the “normal” route, but it’s often the most expensive, time-consuming, and emotionally draining path you can take. If you’re both willing to cooperate, mediation is a much better option.
With a trained mediator guiding the process, you and your spouse can work through each issue – custody, finances, support, etc. – on your own timeline without the rigid structure of a courtroom. Mediation also tends to be more private, less adversarial, and significantly cheaper than full-blown litigation.
Set Clear Boundaries (And Stick to Them)
Even in the most peaceful divorce, emotions will flare. That’s why boundaries matter.
Set ground rules early for how and when you’ll communicate.
- Limit contact to email or text if phone calls get heated.
- Avoid discussing sensitive issues in front of your kids.
- Don’t fall into old patterns of blame, manipulation, or guilt.
You’re not married anymore – or you won’t be soon. That means you no longer owe each other constant access, approval, or emotional caretaking. Keeping strong, respectful boundaries helps both of you begin to detach in a healthy way. It also sets the tone for a more cooperative future, especially if you’ll be co-parenting.
Get Support
Divorce is hard, and you’re allowed to grieve, vent, or feel angry. Just make sure you’re doing it in a healthy space. A therapist or close (nonjudgmental) friend can be a lifeline through the process.
What you don’t want to do is build a “team” of people who fuel your anger or encourage you to get even. Turning your divorce into a loyalty battle only makes things worse and can backfire if it gets back to your ex or the court. The goal isn’t to destroy your spouse – it’s to free yourself.
Find people who help you focus forward, not backward. Because once this is over, you deserve a clean slate (and so do the people around you).
Don’t Let Divorce Break You
The divorce process can be a long and winding road. And while there are certain parts that you have zero control over, there are other elements that you can influence with your approach. By making a commitment to end your marriage as amicably as possible, you can set yourself up for more success and happiness in the next chapter of your life.
