Quick backstory. The birth of my son was terrible. Like, really terrible. The stuff that nightmares are made of. I did not tell anyone how bad I felt about my birth for a while. I just sat silently agonizing and replaying it in my head while I said statements out loud like, ‘the fact he is here is the only thing that matters’ and ‘it was all worth it.’ I would cry at night, grieving the birth. I felt I was cheated.
The first time I told my birth story, like the true, real one, I practically whispered it to a friend I bumped into and who I had not talked to in a while. I felt both dirty and free-ing. I expected her to be shocked, and instead, she was unfazed. Like, ‘ya, me too, same with everyone else I know.’
What?!
This is just how birth is?! No! Say it ain’t so. After talking more and more to new parents and asking better questions, I found out this was very much just how birth is. I started asking things like, ‘Did you feel like the doctor did things to you without asking?’ or ‘Did you feel scared about what was happening and no one comforted or explained anything?’ rather than ‘How was your birth?’.
This started me on a mission. And after some Googling in my bed at 2 am while feeding my baby, I found out this was a job. People protect parents like me for a career. It is called being a birth or labor doula.
I decided then and there that I had to be one. I had a few months of maternity leave left, so I wanted to use that time to figure out what I would require to maybe do this part-time, on the side.
I was not Prepared for how Darn Complicated and Stressful it all Would be
Firstly, as many of you moms can relate, my relationship with my husband quickly changed after my son was born. ‘Changed’ is being generous in describing what happened. About week 3 postpartum, the guy who was my rock for the first 3 years of our marriage and who was pretty helpful during the first 3 weeks of parenthood disappeared. Before I knew it, I was bargaining for hands-free shower time and seemed to be the only one with the 24/7 shift. He seemed to start making all the financial decisions, and I found myself explaining all spending and in a ‘ask for permission’ position when it came to money.
Why am I telling you about the breakdown of my relationship with my husband? Well, like the birth story I did not want to tell, husbands, becoming inequitable and financially controlling is also ‘normal’ and widely accepted, apparently. It is also an important detail about choosing a doula training.
I knew that I had one shot in choosing a doula training. It had to be perfect because I had to argue so hard to get the tuition payment from the family budget since it was considered ‘selfish’ to take that much for myself, especially since I was ‘not working’ right now. Yes, it is some BS, and it was my situation, and without ‘working’ (as in paid labor), I could not make any rash decisions. Don’t even get me started on the negotiation for him to ‘babysit’ for when I would have my in-class portion.
Now I had to Pick the Perfect Doula Training
I opened all the different ones that I had read about in the blogs I scoured. After a full Tuesday AND Wednesday afternoon, I was so overwhelmed that I closed all the tabs and cried. It hit me. I would have to put down the idea of being a doula because none of them would work in my current relationship, free time, and financial situation.
I was devastated.
I felt resentful of everyone around me.
I withdrew and felt hopeless.
No, it was not just because of the inability to select a doula training. It was that my life and time and freedom were gone. That the first time I went to do something for myself, it was too hard, and I had to put it down because I was so darn tired. It hit me that the feeling I thought I would have as a new mom was so far from my reality. And I was so confused that my husband did not seem to have any difference in his life besides the fun we had together was over.
It was not for Another 2 Months that I Felt that Doula Pull and Acted on it Rather than Sulked about it
I went to visit my cousin, who I adore chatting with, who had just had a baby a few weeks prior, and she shared her birth story and clearly named her traumas. She was seeing a therapist about her birth trauma and her postpartum anxiety, and she could see how much I was struggling. She shared some of her tools and pumped me up by telling me what a great doula I would make. Yes, I was there to support her as a new mom and instead walked away feeling renewed in my mission to become a doula. Thank you to my cousin; you know who you are!
I rushed home, strapped my son in my carrier, and set up my doula training hunt at my kitchen counter. While I bounced and swayed to keep my son asleep, I reopened all those new tabs. I took a deep breath and got my notepad ready to compare and contract options.
Overcoming Challenges in Choosing the Ideal Doula Training Program
Here are my findings:
1. The tuition price is just the starting point for costs.
2. There are so many costs that are buried through the website. What costs, you ask? Well, there are manual shipping fees, membership fees, exam writing fees, recertification fees, and continuing education credits that have fees. You need to do all these things to stay certified, and they are so expensive!
3. The weekend training route does not teach you everything you need to know to be a doula, and you cannot take your older baby (which I get, they can be disruptive depending on the kid), so that means a weekend away… good luck making that work.
1. Note: I worked in education, so I am telling you right now, you cannot sit for 8 hours straight and think you are retaining anything after 2 or 3 hours. I promise, your brain cannot do this!
4. I could not find clear ways in all the different options to get support from my instructor when I started working with clients.
5. I knew that I knew a little bit about the world and oppression, and there were lots of places that I was ashamed about, not knowing the right thing to say and what was harmful. Be gentle here, I am being honest, and I bet a lot of you feel the same. I did know that a lot of the training was saying and showing things that did not sit right with me. During others, they felt way too advanced for me, like I was embarrassed about how much I did not know about the words they were using. I could already feel that I would be too embarrassed to ask questions to understand more about oppression and do better.
6. Very few taught me how to be a doula. Like, what do I do first? How do I get clients? Do I need a business license?
These were just SOME of the questions and confusions I had. And yes, some of the training had SOME of the solutions to these problems, but none of them had all of them.
Remember, I needed this to be perfect because it costs a lot of money, and I was so scared the program would get started and it would suck, and I would be out $1000-$2000. Or worse, the sites were so bad that I was not sure they weren’t a scam entirely. Yes, it was that bad!
I had not really been telling many people that I wanted to be a doula because I felt a bit shy and weird about it. Like, that I was ‘not that kinda gal’ who people would find comforting or like not enough of a granola mama. But I was in a pickle. I did not like any of my options for doula training. I knew I had to ask for help on social media.
I put up a post asking about doula school recommendations. Then I quickly closed my Facebook app because I felt so awkward about my question.
After I finished my son’s bath and bedtime, I settled on the couch and checked to see if anyone had responded.
65 Comments! What?!
I had so many words of encouragement, so I felt so good and more confident that I was really going to do this. I started writing down all the suggestions. Most folks had listed the usual suspects that I had found on my own… but about 20 comments in, my world was about to change. Someone suggested bebo mia. After a few more comments after that, it was suggested again. The replies to the suggestion were all so positive too.
I headed over to the page to check out their program, and I was instantly excited. I loved that I understood everything they were suggesting. Right off the jump, they were so clear that there were NO hidden fees. No exam fees, no recertification fees, no continuing education fees, no membership fees. And even better, they cover all your continuing education for free. The teachers were available to jump on a call (thank you, bebo mia team, for answering all my questions so patiently!!!). They ticked all the boxes for me. And they had bonuses that no one else even talked about.
Get this, and they offer free therapy for all their students. Do you know that birth trauma I mentioned earlier? They would help me process that so that I would not take that into my client’s births. I cried (I know, you must think I do this a lot), and this felt so different.
I could take the program without having to find childcare which made my life so much easier. The content was in bite-sized pieces so I could learn and practice and feel confident before chewing the next bite. There were so many ways for me to hang out with my classmates, I did not make it to everything, and the virtual live events I did go to were awesome and helped me meet people as well as be a better doula. It was everything I wanted and more!
Now, 6 months after my training, I cannot believe how hard it was getting here. Well, hard with my husband and hard finding training. And it has been so goshdarn glorious taking my training with bebo mia and becoming a doula and the protector for my clients I wish I had.
Thank you, bebo mia, for teaching me so much. I learned the skills a doula would need to know. I learned how to start my doula business. I learned how to heal and love myself, which was the most unexpected surprise. I feel like a new person.
A better mom.
A better version of me.
I am so proud of myself.
Bonus: I do not have to ask my husband anymore for money, and I have my own account and can get me and my son anything we need and want!
