How Does Change Begin With Acceptance of Oneself, Not With Struggle?

We fight ourselves every day, time and time again, in the hope of becoming better, smarter, more beautiful, more or less sociable, more likable, mastering all our weak points, and so on. This endless race is exhausting. Do you know why? Because it’s not natural to us. Because we don’t just try to improve ourselves; we fight who we are, punishing everything “deviant” about ourselves. However, real change and growth come with accepting ourselves. Many people tend to treat this possibility as being too soft on themselves, but in reality, this approach is the only one that doesn’t require breaking one’s character. The path toward change is, in many ways, easier than you might anticipate. But what is kindness if not struggle to those used to fighting themselves? Let’s explore how to grow gently.

Why Struggling Doesn’t Work

Imagine a tree. This tree stands on the ground, roots firmly woven with the earth and the world beneath it. One day, something falls onto it — another tree, a boulder, or a huge pole. This tree falls but doesn’t break; over time, it recovers and grows around the thing that damaged it. Its branches grow in different directions, roots go deeper, and it stretches toward the sun again. Different, but alive. And then, there’s another tree. But right after it’s harmed by the same damage, someone comes to the tree, cuts it down, and plants a new one. The old tree is done for; sure, the new one is straight and isn’t damaged, but its “ancestor” is already forgotten. That’s how we live, too. Often confusing ourselves with a blank slate, we think that just adjusting ourselves a bit, bending a little, we can become someone new. In truth, we can’t just pluck ourselves out of the earth and start to grow anew. We aren’t trees, you might say. And that’s valid enough. Still, we aren’t the characters in a video game either. There are things that we can improve about ourselves, but we can’t start on ourselves from scratch. We don’t want to accept ourselves. Understanding who we are and what we struggle with is what makes the first push toward growth.

For many people, real growth starts not by fighting who they are, but by embracing their strengths and limitations — whether they’re navigating anxiety, the unique challenges of ADHD parenting, high sensitivity, or grief. Struggle takes our energy away. Embracing what is happening and our current situation saves all that fire and helps us put it into something practical.

The Wonder of Radical Acceptance

What is radical acceptance? Some view this mindset as stemming from Buddhism or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), but this approach can be learned by anyone wanting to achieve peace with themselves. This philosophy states that our suffering comes from our inability to let go of the situation or ourselves. So, instead of looking at the problem and moving from that, we try to deny or fight it, even though we can’t change it. Let’s explore what radical acceptance can look like in a smaller or broader spectrum. A person A is prone to anxiety, especially in unfamiliar or loud situations. Before, they used to push themselves into extremely uncomfortable environments and try to fight their anxiety even when it harmed them. Right now, they do not try to change this feature of themselves — instead, they acknowledge this and don’t force themselves into doing something that will unnerve them. We’re not speaking about ignoring our feelings or taking everything that happens to us passively. No, we mean having our eyes wide open and remaining honest with ourselves. Acceptance of oneself helps us stop fighting ourselves and prolonging our discomfort or suffering. It is a tool of empowerment, a mirror of sorts. We look into it, examine ourselves with all the good, the bad, the ugly, and the things we try to stifle in ourselves. And then, we say, “Yes, that’s me. That’s what I’m facing right now.” You might think that struggling and forcing yourself into someone else’s shoes is action, but it really is inaction — you stand in one place and don’t move ahead.

Tiny First Steps of Self-Acceptance

Change doesn’t have to be fast and uncomfortable (it would be another form of struggling, if we’re being honest). Your first turn left can be simple; the key is to unlock a new vision, and this requires a shift in life philosophy.

Listening to Your Body

Surprised? Yep, most of us fail to listen to our bodies, even though they have been screaming at us that something is wrong. When in a challenging situation, focus on what your body tells you. Quite often, the first thing you should do is stop overriding this side of you. For example, a person you dislike invites you to a loud party you don’t want to attend.

Immediately, you start sweating, your heartbeat races, and your mouth gets dry. If you listen to your body, you will recognize that this situation is unpleasant, and you should disagree. Every day, spend at least several moments just paying attention to yourself.

Notice Your Self-Talk

One of the most significant contributors to low self-acceptance is negative self-talk that we often ignore. It’s so fast that it hides from us in plain sight. However, this self-talk is one of the ways you continue this fight against yourself. Each word you say to punish yourself adds more burden on you. So the next time, instead of saying, “I’m so lazy/ugly/stupid,” think to yourself, “Would I say this to someone I love and respect?” Because you are the person deserving of all the respect and love you give to others.

Surround Your Space and Dress in What Feels Like You

You deserve to take up space and use it in the ways that feel good and, more importantly, represent you. Trying to live in an apartment that doesn’t represent you, or to dress in clothes that are “flattering,” doesn’t make your life better — all of this just puts you in the skin of someone you aren’t. Allow yourself to feel safe and comfortable in your bed, surrounded by the walls that feel like you. Find clothes that suit your mind and body equally, and don’t try to create constraints for who you are. Surprisingly, this can do wonders for your mental health.

Practice Non-Performance

Do you know what else a secret struggle is? Constantly doing something. It’s natural for us to rest, do nothing, and enjoy the silence. But when we aren’t satisfied with ourselves, as techtimes.com points out, it can push us to do more, even when we can’t. Stop. Take a breath. Stretch and just… do nothing. Yes, that’s it. Quit trying to work, study, or even heal. Just let yourself be.

With, Not Against Yourself

The path toward self-acceptance from self-criticism isn’t linear. For two steps ahead, you will take one step back (sometimes, even more). This doesn’t mean that you should stop. No, just like you are learning to accept yourself with all the sides of you, you can learn to acknowledge that the road ahead will take some time, too. And now, you know you’re worth it.